SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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