I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
