I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
