I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think I am morally bankrupt
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
