I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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