I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
