a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
