i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
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Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
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She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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