Is it normal to miss your booty call?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Holy shit dude........stairs
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
