Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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