I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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