I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
