A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
