I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
