I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I pour the whiskey from now on
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
