my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
