today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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