before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
