so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
