btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
