even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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