Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
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