My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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