having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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