I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
