i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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