Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
