So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
