I just pynch a tree in the face
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
