well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
