Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
