he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
