I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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