Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
