I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
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He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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