I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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