Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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