Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
