She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
