You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
