Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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