Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
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Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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