Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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