I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
