My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
