I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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