left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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