oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
