i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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