if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
