apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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