Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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