My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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