Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
