I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
